peel him off the cieling

Gas can cause a variety of reactions.  The reaction typically depends on 1) whose gas is it   2) who is within 10 ft of the emission  3) how audible is it  4) how long does the blowhorn sound off.  and 5) is there enough left in the tank for an encore.

Have you ever experienced the ‘cubicle fart’, preferably your own.  That one turns from a relief to embarrassment and nervousness when someone walks up to talk about something. 

As a manager, I’ve unfortunately been exposed to the ‘performance assessment’ fart, the ‘interview’fart, and the ‘just stopping by to chat (and fart)’ fart.  In every case, my reaction has been the same – keep a straight face, maintain eye contact, and pray that the scent is passive, and doesn’t linger long.

I contrast that to the reaction to my 2yr old, who I could sell at a novelty store as a fart machine.  Obama should be looking to him and his peers for alternative energy.  The best is when they squeak out while he’s sound asleep.  His favorite time to let loose is when his diaper is being changed.  We laugh, and then he laughs, and then he does it again.  This routine continues until his tank is empty.  He puts his hands in the air, and says “all gone”.

Another classic is the ‘urinal’ fart.  The sound of the constant stream is paused for a brief moment while being interupted by a noise from behind.  I was in the bathroom at a movie theater, and I heard a noise.  I felt compelled to respond with a word of encouragement.  So a simple “Nice One.” came out of my mouth.  The individual responded with a hesitant word of gratitude “Thanks”.  I’ll admit that this was a not a shining moment in my life.  Neither was the time that I let out a “WOW” in response to an out of control machine gun blast coming from the stall next to me.  But it happens. 

My mom used to be very against audible gas.  If it ever happened in her presence she would have a look of disdain on her face.  One night during a family game of Phase 10 all that changed.  I am proud to receive the credit for changing her outlook on the whole thing.  A noise came out of me, and my mom’s countenance immediately went to a place of disdain.  However, when the noise continued for the next 15 seconds (most likely a personal record – take some time to count to 15, and you will agree that this was a phenomenal accomplishment) my mom couldn’t help but begin to laugh.  Everyone else laughed as well.  Then my brothers attempted to outdo my life changing fart.  They were unsuccessful, but they did have some ‘nice ones’.  From that day forward, audible farting has been an acceptable practice in our home.   

Gas can cause a variety of reactions.  Try it and see for yourself.

Vacation

My company gave me an extra 2 weeks vacation time this year to celebrate my 10th year with them.  So, I took 3 weeks off to make a 50 hour road trip with the family (Branson, MO; Pensacola, FL; Staunton, VA).  It was fun, and relaxing.  I didn’t know what the date was 3 days into the vacation. 

Everytime I head south, there is a snake waiting for me.  This trip was no different.  There was an oak snake crawling across the top of my grandpa’s 6foot fence.  So now I know that not only are there snakes on the ground; they are up in the trees, too.  It’s one of those things that lets me know that the south is not for me.  Walking through Florida grass is like smoking.  Every step is taking seconds off my life (stress).  I fried myself in 2 hours at the beach.  Not smart, but Max and I made a mean alligator out of sand.  Grandpa and I took Max fishing down at the pond.  Max is just like me.  He doesn’t like touching fish.  I know that I won’t have a choice, so I’ve adapted.  I use gloves.  Benjo says Grandpa now.  We were concerned about the kids hanging out in the car for so long between locations, and borrowed a friend’s DVD player.  Max never asked for it, but Saira and I both watched a movie on it.  Saira enjoyed her Chick-Fi-Let outings and Blue Bell ice cream

We spent the weekend with Darren, Ann Marie and Arwyn in VA.  That was fun.  Saira found the best home-made ice cream ever (except that it wasn’t at someone’s house).  We went for a quickie hike on the Appalachain trail to check out a nice view.  Darren actually got Saira within 5 feet from the edge.  She made it a point to stay at least 20 feet away at all times.  I had my first Mexican food of the vacation in VA, and it kept sneaking up on me for the next couple of days.  It was as close to out of control as you can get without having a medical condition.

Before and After

             I just got done competing in a ‘biggest loser’ contest that lasted from the 1st Friday in January to the last Friday in April.  1st place won $500; 2nd won $75; and 3rd won $20 (got their money back).  I ended the competition in 4th place 😉 It was a moral victory (not sure what that means). 

I have a couple of pictures, but I’m having problems posting them…

I did have a side bet with a fellow competitor that I need to call in.  I won $25 off of that one.  Then there’s the $25 my brother still owes me for not reaching his snipping goal (see my). That cash hasn’t come through yet either. I may need to find myself a thug.

I still have a bit of a jiggle. I need to keep my expectations low, because what can I do – I am over 30 (right Beth?)

Sit in poo … that’s disgusting

Today Max is officially potty-trained.  He went poo-poo on the potty.  I need to get a little stool (no pun intended) for him to climb on to sit on the big potty, because dumping (again, no pun intended) pee-pee out of his little potty bowl into the big potty isn’t that big a deal, but turning the wrist and letting the poo fall into the big potty leaves residue behind.  However, half of our diaper costs are gone now.  Now it’s into the world of super-powered boxer briefs.

 Either we’re getting ahead of ourselves with this one or Benjo’s an overachiever 🙂

The Next Bet

I think that I would like to make another bet, and make a bit interesting…  Keith is wanting to set the end of June as a new deadline for the bet.  Personally, I think that’s a bit too long.  I may be willing to go that far if he goes for my terms – If he doesn’t have the procedure done be the end of June, then I get to name the next baby:

Boy names – The middle name is already pretty much determined because all of their boys have Knight as the middle name.  So keeping that in tact – Option #1: John(ny) Knight Barnett (It doesn’t flow that nice, but it’s better than Jonathon Knight Barnett.  Unless of course April was a big NKTB fan.)  Option #2: Robert Knight Barnett (We’ll call him Bobby.  If you thought Gavin could throw a fit, then you haven’t seen anything.  This baby will probably be throwing his high chair across the living room.)

Girl names – Saira and I are lucky to only have boys so far, because girl names seem to be hard to come by for us.  Before Max came along, we were trying out different names.  The name that I fell in love with was Tea (pronouced – TA-ah).  I’ll leave the middle name open.  And notice that the name does end in an ‘a’, just like the rest.

That’s my side of the bet.  So to be fair, the bet needs to be evened out a bit in the odd chance that he actually meets the deadline.  What should I offer up as my concession, should I lose?  Also, is end of June a realistic deadline? 

all tied up?

To say that my brother, Keith, has a lot of kids would be an understatement.  April 5th is an important day.  If April 5th comes and goes, and Keith hasn’t taken medical measures to prevent the inevitable, then he owes me $25.  This is an arrangement that was made at the beginning of February.  It’s already 9pm on April 3rd, and no phones calls have been placed to the doctor. 

I want to be a good brother, and recognizing I’ll be $25 richer on April 6th, I’d like to use it to help out my brother, who’s afraid of the doctor.  So what should I use the $25 to buy for him to help him out now that child #8 is inevitable?

you want a piece of me?

I’d hate to meet this in a dark alley.  You can’t tell just by looking at him, but this is an official green power ranger, light saber weilding, ninja turtle named Tyrone.  If he says, “I want a piece of you, badguy”, then give him some grapes, cheese, or popcorn.  You might make it out alive.

Dan doesn’t have hair anymore

My brother, Dan, doesn’t have much hair anymore. It’s kind of sad, but he’s resigned to live with it. He tried some transplants a while back, but they were too curly. Wigs weren’t working out either. They were a little too itchy. He thought that he would be better off using a razor. The first winter was tough, but he just wore a hat. He was okay after that.
Deep Thoughts (deep in relation to a kiddie pool):

1. If a woman has male pattern baldness, is it considered male pattern baldness or just slightly off normal?
2. Would reverse male pattern baldness be considered baldness or just a really close haircut?
3. When bald people go to Heaven, do they have hair? If they have hair, but really liked being bald, will they be able to perfectly shave? Will there be razors in Heaven? That would be a tough situation.
4. If Lex Luthor wasn’t bald would he be so mean to Superman?

My brother’s favorite word

My brother, Josh, has a favorite word. I’ve never seen that topic in a ‘get to know you’ exercise before. Not many people have a favorite word. Favorites are a part of life. In fact, one of the first questions a stranger might ask another stranger in an attempt to break the ice is, “What’s your favorite __________?” Most of us would fill in the blank with something like:
color
music style
movie
place to go on vacation
song
car model
seat cover (leather or cloth – vinyl’s pretty much out for everybody)
stroller brand
stroller style
actor or actress
cloud formation
paint finish
t.v. size
bed size
golf club to use 50 feet from the green
Bible verse
place to relax
t.v. series
baby name for a boy (or a girl if you have one of those)
Downhill ski resort
This list could probably go on for quite a long time before anyone would think to add ‘word’ to the list. Ironically, most of us would probably have a hard time answering that question if it ever was asked. That’s not true of my brother though. He does have a favorite word. In fact, his favorite word has been his favorite word for close to 10 years now. Favorite things are usually good ice breakers. They start conversations. But be warned, favorite thing conversations can lead to awkward silences. It’s a risky question to ask. What if you don’t like the other persons favorite. How are you supposed to respond? What if their favorite thing turns your stomach? Now you have a moral decision to make. Do you lie or fluff through the conversation? Do you respond honestly? Maybe the fact that you were willing to ask the question in the first place, and take the risk means that you are worth getting to know even if you don’t like their favorite word. Do you have a favorite word?