to be broken and complete

So many times I find myself in situations that I cannot control or subjected to rules, expectations or consequences that I fall short of embracing as appropriate.  It comes in so many forms, and at the hands of many different people including myself.  Sometimes it is intentional, but most times I think it’s just life. 

It’s when I embrace the truth of who I am that I come face to face with a hard realization.  I am incapable.  As a man, as a husband, as a father, as a manager, as an employee, as a worship leader, as a __________.  I do not have it within to me to always prevail and be successful.  I fail.  Obstacles are too high, the weight is too heavy.  I am overwhelmed with a feeling of hopelessness and loss.  My mind and heart feels like it is spinning and longing desperately for solid footing.  My heart was never intended to bear the weight of tragedy and failed expectations.  I submit to the weight and allow it to crush me.  I know that I am in that place when my anger, frustrations and fears are replaced by tears brought on by embracing the hurt or the inadequacy. 

The arms of my Savior pick me up and I hear Him whisper, “It’s ok.  I’ve got you.  You are safe.”  The weight is lifted off of my heart, and I experience the fullness of Christ in my life.  His heart is intended to bear the weight.  He is capable.  In Christ, my failures and inadequacies find their rest.  I am complete.  The irony of a man, is that true strength is found in true weakness.  It is only when I embrace my brokeness that I am able to experience the fullness and completeness of my Savior.  My heart rejoices with the truth that I am loved, and that I am held.  I have no need of fear.  My heart is free to love.

As I’ve looked back at the hurt that I have caused, I’ve told my sons that I want them to be better than me.  As their father, one thing that plagues my heart is the heartache that awaits my children as they grow older.  I know that while my arms will be strong to carry them, they won’t be strong enough.  In the end, I am not what they need.  They will need the arms of my Savior.  I will be the man in their lives showing them the way.