tear stained stone

This is a post that I started over a year ago, and only got so far as the title.   This reminds me of a time in my life that felt far from God.  Unfortunately, those times seem more prominent than others.  God brought me face to face with the condition of my heart.  I had received some criticism regarding cavalier comments I’ve made that have come across as arrogant or otherwise.  The things that I said ended up being hurtful instead of my words lifting others up.  That brought back floods of memories for me.  I was mainly apalled by things that I’ve said to my wife.  She would repeat the things that I had said, and then she would have to convince me that I said it.  I had a hard time accepting that I would actually say those things.  Why was I so hurtful?  Why am I still? 

The source of this post came when I was driving to work one morning.  I was retracing my conversations and tears began to form as I thought about all of the hurt that I have caused to so many people over the years, especially to my wife.  I pictured those tears falling on a stone crusted heart.  The tears dried on the stone as permanent imprints of people’s pain, pain that I had caused. 

I read a quote the other day.  It’s a prayer – “May my heart be broken with the things that break your heart”

Regardless of what I acheive or accomplish in this life, more than anything I want to leave this world known as a man of love, integrity and a broken heart that could only survive by resting soley in the arms of his Savior.  I’m not that man today, but with every day and every trial I am getting closer.

I feel like I have been broken by so many things.  I have come face to face with so many inadequacies in myself.  My first resolve is to anger and frustration and fear.  My ultimate resolve is always to fall, and embrace the pain of brokeness knowing that I can only experience the fullness of Christ when I am broken.  God is faithful to desolve the tear stained stone that is my heart until it beats as His. 

I love my wife, and I love my children.  I know that I do not deserve them.  I know that they deserve better than me.  They are evidence of God’s grace in my life.  I never have to look any further than the cross and my home.